The End of the Mesozoic Era
a half-act play
Setting: the main office of XYZ Realty. A large room with about 30 desks for agents. The entire wall is plexiglass, lighted from behind. On it all the transactions for the month to date are recorded in fluorescent crayon. 50 chairs are arranged in a circle for the weekly sales meeting. Agents begin coming in, talking to each other, scanning the board, picking up mail, taking their seats. Their enthusiasm is evident. The hum gets louder. Ted, the broker, comes in and takes his place behind a lectern.
Ted: OK, hold it down. Let's get started. (Everyone sits down.) What've you got today, Mary?
Mary: I just got a new listing last night. 8902 E. Vista Camino. It's a fantastic house. What fantastic views of the city. 4 bedrooms, a pool, a wet bar, and a fantastic fireplace in the kitchen . . .
While Mary is talking, the Greedy Poet starts passing around the circle a board on which are mounted 8 photographs of his most recently acquired listing.
. . . and all this for a fantastic price. Only $175,000. [Remember, dear readers, this was over 20 years ago.] We're having an Open House Tuesday. Come and see it. It's really fantastic.
Ted: OK. We'll be there. Chris, did you get anything?
Chris: No, but I sold two last week.
Ted: Fantastic. Gerrie?
Gerrie: I have a new listing. 123 Open Sesame Street. What a cute little doll house. And it's only $49,500. 2 bedrooms and a cute little bath. The yard has the cutest little playhouse for kids, and the kitchen is fixed up with hanging plants--as cute as it can be. We'll have Open House Sunday.
Ted: Sounds great. Dan? (Dan looks up from the Greedy Poet's pictures)
Dan: Nothing new, but I got rid of Liberty yesterday.
Ted: Congratulations. How about you, Terry?
Terry: I'm so disgusted. I did all I could to sell that house on Lazy Camino. In the last two weeks I've run 17 ads and held 10 Open Houses, but they just had it priced too high, and it wouldn't sell. Now the listing's expired, and they won't relist with me. They're going to try and sell it themselves. What a ripoff! I worked so hard on that house--I've earned my commission three times over.
Ted: You can't think of money first. Remember, our motto is service. You've got to give to get. Money will come when you give service.
Terry: Yeah, that's what you always say.
Fred: You think you've got troubles, Terry. Listen to this. These buyers found just the house they wanted, but they couldn't qualify for a conventional loan, and the sellers wouldn't go FHA. I finally persuaded them to change their minds and got the buyers qualified. Then the house wouldn't pass FHA inspection. The sellers got the house fixed up; then FHA raised the interest rates, and the buyers were disqualified all over again. (Sympathetic groans from the other agents) But I'm not licked yet. I think I can get them qualified for a 245.*
Ted: That's the spirit, Fred. That's our job, solving problems. We're not in the house business; we're in the people business. If people didn't have problems, they wouldn't need us--they could sell themselves. See if you can put it together.
Fred: Right.
Ted: What've you got, Del?
Del: I got a fabulous deal. 1212 S. Hilltop View. These people just finished remodeling their house and then got transferred. They have to sell by the end of the month, so they're only asking $94,000. the setting is fabulous--over an acre, a spectacular pool area, a black bathroom with a fabulous wooden toilet seat and a French porcelain bidet.
Betty: What's a bidet?
Ted: Something to wash your kids in, I think. Go on, Del.
Del: It has a spectacular view of the mountains. Really fabulous. Give me some help on this one. These folks are really anxious.
Ted: OK, Del, we will. Lorrie, I know you've got something.
Lorrie has been looking at the Greedy Poet's board.
Lorrie: Right, Ted. What a gorgeous house! 24 El Mujer Court. 3 bedrooms, 4 1/2 baths, gorgeous landscaping. The kitchen is huge, full of extras. The whole house has new carpeting in lime greeen. Absolutely gorgeous!
Stu: How much?
Lorrie: $125,000. And the pool has a gorgeous setting. You can float on your back and see mountains all around.
Ted: Fabulous.
Lorrie: By the way, the owners will give a carpet allowance.
Chorus: 43 agents and 36 pitches later, it is the Greedy Poet's turn to speak.
Ted: You wanted to say a few words, Greedy?
GP: No, I'll let the videotape say it for me.
He inserts a cartridge into the tape deck on his desk and turns on the TV.
GP: Will you please dim the lights.
For the next 15 minutes, the agents and broker sit spellbound, transfixed by this modern technological miracle.
Chorus: We will not attempt, dear audience, to portray--or even to describe--the show that these people are seeing, for we assume that the Greedy Poet's work is known to one and all.
After the show and the applause have ended, and everyone has sat down again, the Greedy Poet strides dramatically to the center of the room.
GP: Do you know that you are real estate dinosaurs?
May 1979
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* 245. Refers to the FHA graduated payment mortgage. The regular FHA mortgage plan is called 203B. It requires a very low down payment (5% or less) and fixed monthly payments for 30 years. FHA 245 has 5 different plans in which monthly payments increase each year for either 5 or 10 years. These plans are designed for buyers whose incomes are expected to increase. They make it possible to afford homes that would otherwise be out of reach.
Anyone eligible for a 203B mortgage is eligible for a 245. Applicants don't need to be citizens, but they must be at least 18 years old. 245 loans are for single family residences only, and the owners must occupy the property. Mortgages are for 30 years.
[In the original article a table followed, showing details of the 5 plans. Since details have changed over time, it is omitted here. Today many conventional loans have similar provisions for gradually increasing payments.]